I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
