i permit you to call me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
