I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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