$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
