did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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