Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
