New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
