feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
