And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
