my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
