i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
