And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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