I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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