me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
