you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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