I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The air was thick with penises
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
