He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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