I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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