Who wears a wallet chain?!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
