i wish my penis had a tongue
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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