there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
