:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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