I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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