Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
