I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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