Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
