Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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