I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
