if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
