i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
