I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
