It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
