Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
