I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
