Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
