Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
