sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
