You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
