I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
