when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
