Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
