i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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