Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have grass duct taped all over my body
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
