Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
