I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My pussy is not your playground.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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