Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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