Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
