I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
