So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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