guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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