that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
